Cut Back on Showers
Did you know you use over 50 gallons of water every time you take a shower? Save some green by taking a shower every other day, or when you roommate or spouse complains that you smell like rotten butt. Also, consider going soapless and shampoo-less for a truly authentic Parisian experience.
Go Commando!
Listen up soldier! I bet your momma told you to change your underwear every day. Now here me Jimmy, you tell your momma that nobody sees your underwear, they don’t smell it and they sure as hell don’t know if you’re wearing it! So if you plan to save a few dimes to take your Missy out for a snack, I suggest you leave the underwear off and go commando!
Natty Light
You know those beautiful Heneiken commercials that give you flashbacks of ice-cold golden beer with flavor and a smooth finish? Yeah, well you can forget about all that. We’re talking Natty Light here and flavor isn’t a word to describe it (piss water would be more exact). But with a twelve pack running the same cost as a sixer of Heini, you can bet this is the bargain deal.
Handkerchief
Let’s introduce this chivalrous symbol of nobility to the new millennium. I never understood why people don’t use these anymore, until I saw my grandpa wipe a dripping loogie from his mouth, then tuck the soiled cloth back in his pocket.
Weekly Catalogues
I hate these things more than you do. All they succeed in doing is taking up space in my mailbox and pissing off my mailman. Not only that, but they contribute to waste and pollution, so let’s figure out a way to save some money. You know what I want to do, I want to wipe my ass with these things. Sure, it may not be as comfy as Charmin but it will sure make me feel good when I can tell Bed Bath and Beyond to literally kiss my ass.
Samples
Did you know if you make your way around Trader Joes, Whole Foods, and Costco every day, you can have yourself a satisfying and, usually, healthy meal. I do suggest one thing, skip the Pigs-in-a-blanket from Costco, they give you the runs.
Dumpster Dive
No place to sample where you live? Well make like a hobo and dive in that garbage can. You’d be surprised at what some restaurants will throw away. Did you know that it is mandatory a restaurant separate their edible garbage from un-edible garbage? I bet you didn’t, don’t tell me I never gave you anything.
Eat your Pets
If you’re really down on your luck and old sparky is looking tastier than baby back ribs, well grill em up! Or, if you’re like this couple, hold your pet for ransom and hope that people pay.
